Love That Red

Everything You Need to Know

The 18th

Ahh the iconic 18th birthday; a birthday which represents (however truthfully) the descent into adulthood, the legalization of drinking (even though you have been doing it for years) and the cockiness to make it on your own in the world (thanks Dad for still paying my E-tag bill).

I still remember (well some parts) my 18th birthday party although I’m getting closer to the ripe old age of 22 by the day – Jesus has it really been that long! The theme was ‘ High School’; granted there was an abundance of cheerleaders, nerd, jocks, sexy students etc. In true birthday-girl fashion I went as Prom Queen (of course) tiara, Marylyn Monroe inspired dress and all; my best friend went as the school mascot……..just one of the many reasons why we are such good friends.

My little brothers 18th birthday is this weekend so in true celebratory style I am taking a long weekend to shower him with gifts and drink in excess. So for my little (well actually he’s taller than me now) brother, other people descending onto the big 1 8 and all the other readers whom have passed that wonderful year and look back with both fondness and a shaking head in shame, these are the things I wish I had known when I was turning 18;

  • Sparklers CANNOT be blown out; attempting to do so will result in a burnt lip
  • When 6 hours is spent making your demanded three tiered birthday cake it is extremely uncouth to become so inebriated before the ‘Happy Birthday Song’ resulting in hacker style chopping of the cake
  • The night should be remembered – Point
  • When a teacher of yours comes to drop in and wish you a happy birthday it is terribly rude for a huge fart to erupt out of your ass
  • The consumption of every gift AKA bottles of Passion Pop is generally not appreciated by older guests
  • Younger siblings and their friends do not appreciate being told to dress up like waiters and serve on you and your other arrogant friends
  • Hooking up with your HUGE call of bad judgment in the garage is a bad idea especially when your father happens to walk in
  • Having said father stomp out of his room at 3am to yell at party leftovers wearing nothing but Y fronts can be widely embarrassing
  • Balancing on a yoga ball and doing shots of Jack doesn’t really work
  • When picking you up from a party your parents DO NOT enjoy the sight of you being carried half naked to the car by some random fellow only pausing so you can throw up repeatedly in the bushes
  • Parents should not be expected to bestow sympathy upon said 18 year olds when they are that hung-over they truly believe they are suffering from meningococcal – Self-Inflicted illness DOES NOT deserve pity
  • Self pity over lack of funds is meaningless as at some point you are going to have to learn to budget
  • Writing of your first car approximately 1 month after moving out of home is quite distressing and none to appreciated from those who care for your safety
  • Guzzling two drinks at the same time (yes that’s right TWO bottles hanging out of your mouth) is not a good look
  • Opening glass bottles by slamming the head against a wall will work – however being so drunk that you don’t realise that you have broken the glass surrounding the lid and have now cut up your mouth isn’t very wise

Hmmm there are many more lessons I can think of however if you haven’t guessed all of the above were my actions and as a result of going down this particular memory lane my head is near my feet in shame.

So to my dear little pest of a brother, Happy 18th Birthday may your grown-up (cough cough) life bring you every joy, drink and experience you wish for.


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