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A Letter to People who are ‘So Alternative’

 

To begin with, lets establish who these people actually ARE that think they are ‘so alternative’;

 

  • They frequently can be found with a cigarette hanging limply from their foul lips and a token coffee in one hand…because apparently stinky old cigarettes, cancer and a caffeine addiction are cool.
  • They frequently spend their days posting blogs on how ‘depressed’ they are and how their ‘supposed’ mental illnesses are helping them take arty photography. (There’s nothing arty about fading a pic on your mac.) They then spend the rest of the day trawling other people’s blogs for inspiration aka more ways to fake being ‘so alternative’.
  • They wear glasses even though they don’t need glasses and weird small sunnies from the 1960’s WHICH DON’T LOOK GOOD ON ANYONE.
  • They buy EVERYTHING from op-shops and dress head-to-toe in it. Now I’m all for vintage but there’s a MASSIVE difference between carefully selected vintage pieces and the junk found in your local vinnies. You may find a few things at op-shops but the idea of dressing head-to-toe in people’s old clothes????? EWWWWWWW especially since these ‘alternative people’ also wear second hand undergarments and shoes. One word for you people – TINEA.
  • ‘Alternative people’ usually wear armfuls of chat rubber bands, collections of string and bracelets because they think its trendy. They also like to show of the scars on their wrists from all their ‘self-harm’ aka attention seeking bull-sh**.
  • They will turn ‘vegan’ because they are so cool yet they are wearing second hand fur wrapped around their ‘cool and malnourished’ shoulders.
  • Washing or colouring their filthy regrowth is a big no-no. These people think it’s fabulous to walk around with dirty, greasy, foul hair.
  • They wear a fedora and big skull rings to the office. Or a faded floral-print dress with combat boots. YUCK.
  • They hate things like iphones, country road bags and Gossip Girl because “uh *tosses dirty hair and rolls eyes* like everyone like has them and loves them”…well duh there’s a reason for that douche. THEY ARE AWESOME!
  • They have weird, ugly haircuts or they dye their hair purple or some other colour that is only ok on a troll-doll.

 

Nothing pisses me of more than the current ‘alternative’ trend. Even the ‘emo’ trend that escalated when I was in high school didn’t annoy me as much as this one.

It just cracks me up that these ‘alternative people’ walk around with a massive chip on their shoulder thinking how awesome and different they are until they see the next person wandering around Glebe or Newtown wearing exactly the same thing down to the matching copies of ‘Russh and Frankie’ under their arms.

These people are trying so HARD to be different but there is nothing unique and creative about it, your just getting your ideas from all the other alternative people who are lets face it pretty much EVERYONE in the inner-west and all those around the state copying them.

Being ‘alternative’ is actually just as mainstream as having blonde, washed hair and wearing a little black dress. And at least us ‘Mainstream’ people are un-fashionably happy, don’t smell and are not spending our entire lives trying to be so cool. And that includes watching strange indie films which seems to be an ‘alternative’ pre-requisite. We all know they suck no matter how many awards they get and pretentious gits say they are wonderful.

 

Dream on alternatives. You are nothing but smelly mainstream twats.

 

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11 thoughts on “A Letter to People who are ‘So Alternative’

  1. Hilarious and so very true! Did you mention tattoos?! Covered head to toe in fricken tattoos! You’re not different, you are a carbon copy of the next werido…fools!!!!!

  2. Spot on Kel, you’ve hit the nail on the head with this one!

  3. Sounds like you are talking about hipsters.
    Don’t worry, they are quickly becoming the most easily-made-fun-of-group since emos

  4. Kirsten on said:

    You perfectly described a tribe that live in the mystical land of the Sutherland Shire, love it Kelly love it!
    p.s I got your yearly family update from your mother, too sweet!

  5. kellyleemccarren on said:

    haha damn alternates! infiltrating everywhere !!!

  6. haha wow!

  7. Sissi on said:

    LOL this is so hilarous! I always thought they were cool.. until i read this.. Now im just happy that i read this..! 🙂

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