The Art of Affection
I’ve never been an overly affectionate person.
When I was little my baby sister used to try to hug me – so I ripped her dolls head off and pushed her pram down the steep driveway into oncoming traffic.
The idea of affection makes me want to rip of my arms and throw up on the person brandishing it.
You get the gist of my inherent hatred.
My 5 most HATED acts of affection are;
1. The Greeting Kiss – GRRRRRRRRR. I HATE it when you meet someone and they lean in for a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Um HELLO!! I just met you, put out your hand you stinky scoundrel and SHAKE! I don’t want you slobbering all over my perfectly applied blush and crushing my outfit. (Unless you look like Gerald Butler…. In that case please molest me whilst you’re at it.)
2. Spooning – Uggg spooning should be against the law. It’s quite possibly the vilest thing ever invented. When my boyfriend whinges and sulks enough he occasionally gets 10 minutes spooning quota, and every time the following happens. We get into ‘spoon’ position where the bf sighs contentedly in my ear whilst I clock watch. He then starts to doze of which constitutes an increase in breath sounds, the oncoming snore and copious damn twitches. Cue me huffily rolling him to his other side making sure none of his body parts are touching me. (FYI I’m not a complete bitch – I have insomnia and CANNOT sleep whilst being touched or annoyed.)
3. Hand-Holding – Last week my Mum and Sister were holding hands whilst watching a movie together and my friend does the same thing with her bestie. WEIIIIRRRDDD. I won’t even really hold the bf’s hand for longer than 30 seconds, I need my arms to swing about and order people around. Also I just find it awkward and uncomfortable.
4. The Foot Rub – Corns, calluses, dead flaky skin, cuts, sores, tinea, athlete’s foot, hangnails, yellow toenails, infections. Need I go on? The idea of massaging my hands over someone’s feral foot makes me gag and shudder in horror. EW. The fact that my darling bf gives me daily foot massages and actually enjoys it (and NOT in a weird fetish way) should be ignored.
5. The Creepy Relo Hugs – You all know the ones. At family events there is always that one relo (usually an uncle) who insists on sloppily planting kisses all over you and hugging you as if you were still 5 years old. Yuck – I usually then revert to my 5-year-old self and grumpily wipe my cheek vigorously.
What affection do you immensely dislike? Or are you one of those freakishly touchy-feely people (just like my little sister) who firmly plant themselves within people’s laps 5 mins after meeting them.