Crimes Committed Against And By The Public
Crime 1 The Parking Spot Fiend On the Phone – I was subjected to a severe case of this on Tuesday night. The culprit in question was heading to her car in an IMMENSELY overcrowded car park. So like any other sane person I put on my cute blinker and patiently waited…and waited…and waited. WHILE THIS BITCH SAT ON HER PHONE TALKING. I haven’t wanted to hurt someone so much in quite some time now. Scene of the crime: Castle Towers – Culprit: 50-60 year old woman with a scowl.
Crime 2 The Late Afternoon ‘Browser’ – Anyone who has ever worked in retail will appreciate this. Girls I had dinner with recently reminded me of the abject horror – the customers who deem it appropriate to enter a store at 5:25pm TO BROWSE. When the retail assistant has already counted the till, closed half the door and is desperate to sit down after wandering around with a fake smile plastered on their face all day. Generally the culprits are office workers who seem to forget how much retail peeps JUST WANT TO GO HOME!
Crime 3 The Light Switcher – The culprit who turns on a light without warning the sleeping person in the room. Beware because they will physically assault you. After their sight returns.
Crime 4 The ‘Cool’ Dudes – People who refer to places in the annoying shorthand. Lets look at Parra and Nulla as examples – Its Parramatta and CRONULLA you douches! It’s not hard.
Crime 5 Using “What nationality are you” as a pickup line – This is a crime alone which gets made worse when they cheer and give me a high-5 as a fellow aussie in such shoddy English I ask them to repeat themselves no less than 5 times before just nodding and pretending I ‘get it’.
Crime 6 Being expected to carry something for someone because they don’t want to carry a purse – This typically only happens with girls, someone will shout out, who’s taking a clutch? Then the idiot who admitted to it is faced with an onslaught on cameras, lip-glosses, money *remember I gave you $44.70* because they cant be bothered taking one.
Crime 7 People that live on their horn – The only time a honk is acceptable is when someone has fallen asleep at the lights. And a cute honk it should be. There is nothing worse than someone who honks just for the fun of it. No offense but you are SO not that busy that you need to get 1 metre in front.
Crime 8 The Cigarette wavers and burners – Most of my friends and I have at least 1 cigarette burn branded into us. The culprits are generally drunk and rude people with no respect and think that their HIGHLY fascinating (no we don’t care about how successful you are) story warrants flapping and flailing arms with a burning weapon in toe. GRRRRRRR.
Crime 9 Noisy eaters – This is number one for me. Noisy eaters are vile criminals who turn me off my own food. They continuously mumble mmmmmmmm into their food, suckle on pieces, chew loudly and pick at their teeth. Bleuurggege.
Crime 10 People splitting the bill equally when you deliberately only had an entree soup and tap water – I was chatting to a girlfriend last night who had this happen to her in an extreme case. There was a group of about 15 of them and she and the only other 2 girls ordered small meals, didn’t drink etc. The other 13 men had entrées, appetizers, mains, deserts and copious beers, bottles of wine, and cocktails. Before DEMANDING that they all split this EXTENSIVE bill. Isn’t that the rudest thing you’ve ever heard? Culprit: Men from Melbourne. Besides my lovely Uncle and cousin 🙂
What are your hated crimes against and by the public?