Love That Red

Everything You Need to Know

The Blow Job

Once upon a time, MANY years ago, Adam and Eve got sick of picking fruit and decided to experiment. So they got naky. But Eve wouldn’t shut-up about the blasted snake and Adam got so sick of her whining that he shoved the first thing he could think of in her mouth to shut her up. And he liked it. 

Since then, men all over the world have been seeking Blow Jobs like a desert dweller seeks water.  They will do almost anything to receive one and women have quickly learnt that they offer the perfect ransom for blackmail “If YOU clean the house I’ll….” or even as a trade “Tonight you can have a BJ *man is thinking YESSSSSSSSSS* if I get a foot rub *FML*”.

The above is proof that men really do think with their dicks. Not many women would accept those terms of blackmail for the act to be reciprocated. We would simply shrug and continue providing Gossip Girl with our undivided attention.

But ladies I am here today to tell you that you should REVEL in the power of a Blow Job! Not shy away from them like a plague or dread those mornings when you awake to him prodding your face with ‘IT’ thinking he’s being super funny but simultaneously hoping we will just open up and go with it.

Firstly lets look at the downside and Men take note what we go through…

 

 

Spot on Sam.

 

BUT it is the single most powerful thing a woman can do to control a man and if we could perpetually give Blow Jobs to every male on earth (not that we would – ew) WE WOULD rule the world!

 

So Here Are A Few Tips To Erm ‘Enjoy The Job That Little Bit More’…

  •  Shower Power – There is nothing pleasant about genitals that have been lurking in sweaty and restrictive attire all day. Why not suggest a steamy shower together and start the ‘Job’ IN there!
  •  Play Games – Pretend your playing an instrument, hum along to tunes and invent new tricks. Not only will boredom stay well away but also he will love the variety and freshness to your work. 🙂
  •  Feed Him – If he has some funky spunk and you fear it like a bowl full of brussel sprouts, it could be a simple case of feeding him some tangy, sweet fruit to de-funk the gunk. (Ew – can’t believe I just wrote that.) Does he eat asparagus often, smoke or not drink enough water? All of these factors can result in the FS so maybe just proffer a fruit salad his way.
  • Treat Him! Don’t think of it as a ‘job’ so much as something that is going to make him happy! Surely he does lovely things for YOU right? (If not perhaps its time to run.) Think of that beautiful text he sent you or the thoughtful evening he planned for Saturday night… make him feel special too!
  • Ball Play – Do not forget about the balls. I am not suggesting you put the things in your mouth but HELLO you have a free hand right? Play ball.
  •  Gooch Time – Yes I am using the ‘mature’ expression for the Perineum. What of it. Men love it when you press on it or massage the region. Enough said.

 

And A Few Things NOT To Do…

 

  • Although adding chocolate, whipped cream and champagne may seem like a fabulous idea at the time. You won’t enjoy sleeping on sticky, smelly sheets all night. Save it for the kitchen. Ice on the other hand? Well that’s a different story – AND an entirely different (amazing) experience.
  • Participate in public fellatio. It’s as bad as public sex. Although it may seem hot and naughty to do it somewhere you could get caught imagine this;

a)    Seeing someone performing penis pleasure with your MUM or worse your GRANDMA in tow. Mortification is an understatement.

b)   Being near peeps performing when you have kids. The awkwardness of answering why that woman has that mans ‘wee wee in her mouth’. *Shudder.

  • Bite or ‘cheese grate’ the member. Expect to lose some hair.
  • Talk to his penis in any words or terms that don’t involve ‘big’ or ‘hard’. Names, baby talk and insults will result in Mr. Flaccid coming to town before the sentence ‘where’s my widdle fwend’ has finished coming our of your mouth. Silly girl.

 

 

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One thought on “The Blow Job

  1. Pingback: Blow jogs | Telecomsalestr

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