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The Ins & Outs Of Anal

WARNING: The following article has a high level of sexual content and is not for the light-hearted or easily squemish…

I got told a few weeks back that I was a prude because I had never participated in lesbian or anal sex. To be honest that seemed a little bit unjust, as anyone who has ever chatted to me knows that ‘prude’ isn’t exactly the correct adjective for me as eagerly begin discussing the perfect girth.

If there is one insult I really can’t tolerate it is ‘prude’; the word signifies some stuffy old religious zealot whose only sexual experience was missionary intercourse performed purely to produce offspring.

Or annoying girls that blush at the word ‘foreplay’.

So getting called a prude for not participating in 2 acts I THOUGHT were still slightly taboo and un-practiced was reason enough for me to start asking some serious questions.

Mainly ‘have you or do you participate in butt sex’.

It’s a well-known fact that one of my girls just loves getting the ‘poo pushed back up her passage’ (sorry couldn’t help myself – it was RIGHT there) so she was hopeless to ask as I knew her only response would be ‘just take it like a bitch’. (Seriously this girl is every guys No. 1 fantasy; a domestic goddess by day and a demon in the sack at night….or any time of day really.)

My other friends had more similar reactions to me like ‘OUCH’, ‘ew isn’t their like poo on it’, ‘if he wants do that he should do it with a guy’ and my favourite ‘on our wedding night it will be his treat’.

However I realised that IF (and that’s a big IF as I am totes not encouraging the act) you wish to participate in a wee bit of sodomy, it’s hard to find honest and truthful advice. So here is a few listed Do’s & Don’t’s formulated by me and some of my more ass-perienced gf’s.

Do’s…

  • Have a glass of wine (or 10) to help you relax and get in the mood.
  • Get him to insert a finger each time you have sex prior to erm ‘warm the area up to the idea’.
  • Use lube. Ands lots of it.
  • And a condom.
  • Turn the lights off and put down dark towels. No one wants to spot any nasty surprises.
  • Feel free to engage in some laxative abuse the day before the ‘event’. Good time to clean out the old back door. (Gross Kelly)
  • Sniff liquid nitrate (hey it works for the gay guys!); it relaxes you and can be bought legally from most good sex shops.

Don’ts’…

  • Shove a dildo up his ass yelling ‘WELL! How do YOU like it’. Not only will you definitely not be trying anal you wont be having ANY type of sexy time for a looooonnnggg time. Also this really freaks straight guys out – my old (gay) flatmate had a theory this was because men are secretly bi-curious. Hmmm.
  • Push it out. Resist ALL YOUR NATURAL URGES. Even though you will feel the need to push a giant turd out of your butt. This will make the process technically difficult and possibly traumatic for the both of you.
  • Stop him if you are in really bad pain. The experience may scar you, so if you feel uber uncomfortable at any time STOP for petes sake.

For the men…Don’t and I repeat DON’T mention any brown residue left lingering. Your GF has just been an absolute trooper and you do not need to embarrass the girl on top of what can now only be described as a ‘burning ring of fire’. Dispose of any traces subtly and promptly, followed by a WHOLE hour of cuddles. (Apparently most gals love these things called cuddles.) 🙂

Hope this helps! Special mention to the ladies who put up with my intrusive questions to write this wretched thing!

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One thought on “The Ins & Outs Of Anal

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