How To: Get Rid Of Cellulite
There is nothing more attractive than a backside which simply shimmers with dimples. You know, those enviable lasses whose buttocks and upper thigh regions resemble serious hail damage or lumpy lasagna.
Obviously I am one of them and obviously I am kidding.
Ahh cellulite… the problems in the world that would be eliminated if ONLY you would cease to exist. But you will never disappear of our backsides will you, you silly prick of a mass of skin cells that retain water like its going out of fashion.
Seriously, I despise cellulite, I LOATHE it. If it were a person I would petition to torture it and even if it weren’t passed I would so deliver it right into Alf Stewarts rape dungeon. (Cheers c***) Now I don’t know anyone that does actually like it (except the few lying idiot males who have tried to tell me it is ‘sexy’ and womanly’ – losers) but I also don’t know any female who doesn’t have it.
But what IS cellulite!?
Firstly, Cellulite isn’t actually a medically recognised condition; it is simply the popular term coined many years ago to describe the dimpled appearance many women develop on their tooshies and upper pin areas. Cellulite doesn’t discriminate and 95%+ of women have it on some part of their body.
Cellulite is caused by the fat deposits that sit under the surface of the skin (which is why women are prone to getting it around their ‘pear’ area as this is were we generally store weight). Cellulite is also known as adiposis edematosa, dermopanniculosis deformans, status protrusus cutis, and gynoid lipodystrophy in the medical field; and as orange peel syndrome, cottage cheese skin, hail damage, and the mattress phenomenon in colloquial language (lol).
Although genetics and lifestyle play a defining role in the severity of your hail damage, the appearance of it can be determined and increased by excess water retention, which is caused by; heart or kidney problems, weak circulation, hormones and medications (here’s looking at you evil pill), a diet high in salt, toxic diets, low-calorie diets, and dehydration.
Enter my current fave prod…
L’Occitane Almond Tonic Body Oil – A must-have ‘I die’ gem of a prod, which is formulated and PROVEN to firm and reduce water retention, thanks to the anti-water technology. (I KNOW – amazeballs right!)
The body oil fights dry skin, improves skins natural tone and helps to boost microcirculation and eliminate toxins to leave skin soft, supple, and toned. (Yes please, oh and it also has an ah-maz-ing sweet almond fragrance). It contains grapefruit, cypress and geranium essential oils that stimulate microcirculation and accelerate the penetration of active ingredients. Red algae extract stimulates waste elimination and brings back the feeling of lightness.
Now I went to a skincare seminar a few weeks back and the lecturer actually banged on about this particular prod for a good 40 minutes. She then excitedly lifted her skirt to show us her ….. COMPLETELY DIMPLE FREE THIGHS!
And this woman was well into her 50s and a size 12-14.
I. WAS. IN. AWE.