I Missed Out On Some Girl Genes
As I sat in a local bar yesterday afternoon with the girl next to me looking at me with shocked accusation, I felt my inadequacies as a ‘girl’ rear its unapproving head yet again. You see the problem was that we were half way through a jug of Long Island Iced Tea before I realised that to these lovely (and can I reiterate just how lovely they are despite what I deem as craziness) ladies, I had committed a crime by not ordering said drink with diet coke instead of just plain old coke. I think the exact line ‘Ummmm hello, CALORIES!!’ was actually screeched at me as I sipped away, guiltily wondering if I should care about this sort of thing. Because that’s the problem, I just don’t care about things that 90% of girls seems to care about, which makes me feel like I missed out on some girl genes…
Missing Girl Gene 1: Calories Smalories
It wasn’t just this above occurrence. It’s all the bloody time with chicks as they nibble on their limp lettuce leaves while I chow down a fat burger with an extra side of fries. But don’t get me wrong I do love salads, as long as they come with roasted sweet potato or fried noodles or delicious cheeses or scoops of avocado… mmmmm. Kelly get back on track please. It was only last week that I looked up after demolishing 3 cold spring rolls, left over Thai and 4 pieces of toast (for breakfast I might add), only to see my friend watching me in abject horror.
I guess I don’t really need to worry about calories as I have no desire to look like a stick insect anyway as I love myself naked so much it could even be misconstrued as vanity. If I ever feel I am getting a bit tooooo lumpy I simply rein it in for a week by cutting back on the sheer volume of food I consume. Otherwise? I eat what I want, when I want. Life’s too short to give a shit about food restriction, counting calories or (my least favourite) eating low-carb. *Shudder.
Missing Girl Gene 2: The Sound Of A Crying Baby Shrinks My Uterus
I have never been one of those clucky girls who fawn over and get all gooey eyed over a baby. They smell and they make noise and they look like shrunken rodents. Unless you belong to a friend, a relative, you are my future baby (because yes despite my dislike for them, I do want them one day far farrrrrr down the track) OR you just happen to be an exceptionally cute baby, I will not like you. You make unnecessary noise, divert all attention, AND you force your mother to take her breasts out in public, which is you know, gross. Even with babies that I like I still don’t get that maternal pull most girls seem to get. It’s almost like some girls have an inner ovary sensor that starts producing gooey hormones as soon as they can even hear a baby. My sister and boss visibly melt in the presence of a baby while I will either scowl at it or (if it falls under the babies I like list) will merely look at it fondly like I would a cute pet that is in need of a big squeeze.
Missing Girl Gene 3: Cuddles Annoy Me
I have found that most girls just LOVE to be cuddled. In bed, on the couch, in line at the supermarket, WHEREVER, they just want whomever they are with to hold them. I am not a huggy person. Unless I am in a particularly sooky mood I would prefer it if I wasn’t touched period. I have one friend who lives with her boyfriend in a one-bedroom apartment. At night if they are watching different things, one will be in the bedroom and the other will be in the lounge room. Now this dear but slightly delusional friend of mine deems it entirely appropriate to go into the other room occupied by her boyfriend on EVERY ad break and demand another cuddle. I. Would. Murder. Her.
Missing Girl Gene 4: I Don’t Cry In Public
Most girls I know seem to have no qualms about letting the floodgates open in public. Whether it be as they discuss something personal at brunch, watch a sad or not sad movie, or my personal favourite, realise that their locals Coles is out of chia seeds. #firstworldproblems.
Crying in public, actually crying in front of most people is beyond mortifying to me. It’s just so darn girly. I cried at work once over a spreadsheet (and about a bazillion other reasons but to my boss – the spreadsheet) and I don’t think I EVER lived it down.
Missing Girl Gene 5: Window Shopping Is A Waste Of Time
I find nothing duller than window-shopping. Unless there is a clear reason or need to visit a shop, ANY shop, I refuse to go just to ‘look’. Yuck. Girls seem to love ‘browsing’, especially for things that they can’t afford. I go into a shop with a specific purpose and am in and out in no time. Sometimes I even just poke my head into a store, peer around, get the general gist of things and then swiftly either jump in and pick a few items I need/want or hop out and move on to my next
Now just so you don’t all wonder if I’m secretly harbouring a pair I will let you in on a few very girly facts about me…
1. I am a box set addict. Greys Anatomy, Private Practice, The OC, Gossip Girl, SATC, Modern Family, The Inbetweeners, Family Guy… You name it and I could probably become addicted to it.
2. I would do dirty DIRTY things to Ryan Gosling – Enough said?
3. I loved Twilight and think Edward would actually be a better fit for me than that silly old Bella.
4. I frequently can be found in a bubble bath reading fashion magazines.
5. I own 86 winter coats.
6. I change my nail colour on average 4 times per week.
7. I’ve been known to use the word ‘totes’ on occasion.
8. Beer is gross.
9. Sex has and always will be off-limits on Thursday nights. Thursday is strictly for tanning and I don’t ever want my tan to be all ‘smudged’.
10. I revel in popping pimples and scraping the dead skin from my feet – Men just don’t get it. #secretwomensbusiness
11. I rage at men constantly over things like leaving the toilet seat up. What of it.
12. I think it’s appropriate to compare breasts and vaginas with my girlfriends.
13. I have planned most details of my wedding.
14. I have faked an orgasm.
15. I don’t understand most aspects of technology , I just like them when they do what I want.
16. I don’t understand why men can’t mind-read what I want. Sheesh.
17. Pillow fights in underwear are awesome.
18. I own a ‘mullet skirt’. Worse still, I like to wear it with a backless leotard and pretend I am the heroine in a corny dance film. *Cringe.
19. I have used sex as a weapon. MANY TIMES.
20. I harbour an innate hatred towards all sport.