Boozy The Clown
This post was was re-written (orinigally written for LTR in 2010) for headinout.com.au. Enjoy…
Common mistakes people (mainly girls) repeatedly make when drinking. And even though we realise how appalling our boozy behaviour is, we continue to commit the following crimes…
1) Forgetting to set our makeup. After having one to many pre-drinks, forgetting a crucial element in dolling up our mugs is made, as we get ready to drink and dance the night away. Nothing is worse than going to the toilet and blearily peering into the mirror realising with shock-horror that your perfectly applied smokey eye is halfway down your face. Immediate regret prior vigorous crumping. SET YOUR FACE! And hairspray does NOT work. Any makeup mist (Model Co and MAC do a few beauties) or translucent powders (Revlon sells a gem) will do if lightly misted/dusted over your face once your makeup has been applied.
2) Drinking too much before we leave. Yes pre-drinking is sometimes the funniest part of the night as dirty talk and comparing bums takes our attention. HOWEVER, as fun as homemade cocktails can be, being refused to every club except Star Bar is not. “I shhhwweeaarrr ivvee onshly hads ONE drinks!”
3) Smoking. No matter how much we decide we feel like one, (or that they are a good idea at the time), they still always taste like sh*t and they are bad bad bad!
4) Thinking that we are sexy. ‘Casually’ pressing our cleavage together or winking at the bar tender will NOT make them serve us quicker. A more likely scenario involves them giving the bouncer an exaggerated eye-roll indicating that we should probably be given the old heave-ho pretty shortly. Cue 30mins later being pulled from the toilets by our hair kicking and screaming like some crazy white-trash banshee from ‘Operation Repo’.
5) Trying to get into the DJ booth. They will kick us out. Our dream of being as cool as Havana Brown will live one day, but that day is not stumbling around and knocking discs of some poor guys deck. Note to self: DJ does not like drunken groupie falling on his turntable and messing up his CD’s all so she can simply request BONKERS.
6) Doing twenty shots. Most men can’t handle that much alcohol so why do we think we can? The fact that certain establishments at the cross serve $3 shots should be bypassed! If you do choose to participate in SHOT SHOTS SHOTS (LMFAO wiggling) please do not expect sympathy as you rock helplessly in the fetal position the following day wishing for sweet relief.
7) Pie Face at 3am. It will be regretted in the morning.
8) Champagne tastes on a beer budget. “Guys…GUYS! This round is on me”! (Inner monologues smugly congratulating oneself on inherent coolness and generosity.) Every time you think about putting that extra round on the old CC or drawing out another $100, just think about checking your bank account the next day and regretfully clunking your pounding noggins on the keyboard.
9) Taking our shoes off. I for one snootily turn my nose up at those ‘trashy’ girls I see stumbling down George street, heels in one hand, trusting gf in the other. (It should be noted that said snootiness is always when I am smugly sober.) And then I wear heels out and enviably end up taking them of and running around with my skirt riding up and makeup smeared down my neck. NOT GOOD. The amount of times we wake up the next day with shards of glass and who knows what wedged in our feet is grotty and not cool. Keep them on or wear flats. Simple as that.
10) Fighting with our bf.
Us: YOU WERE LOOKING AT HER YOU ASSHOLE.
Him: Please keep it down and I wasn’t!
Us: YES YOU WERE! YOU WERE LOOKING AT HER. STUPID SLUT. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY, SHE’S UGLY AND HER DRESS IS SO SHORT YOU CAN LIKE SEE HER VAG. GROSS, OR DO YOU LIKE THAT HUH HUHHHHHHHH!
Him: Please calm down, you’re being unreasonable. I was looking at YOU!
Us: UNREASONABLE! YOU ARE SUCH A JERK; YOU DON’T EVEN LOVE ME, IM GOING HOME. *Cue onset of OTT tears as we run away.
Him: *Trudge on after us hoping he doesn’t have to clean up any vomit later.
11) Skin sins. Although every beauty guru will tell you that a key element in maintaining that gorgeous glow is to ALWAYS take your makeup off, we are ALL guilty of doing the opposite to this. 30 standard drinks, cigarettes and an entire pizza look bad enough on our face in the morning without 16-hour-old makeup to boot! Get wipes and take it off trash bags!
For more, watch this vid. Despite her voice (it makes me want to rip out my ears), it’s actually super spot-on and super funny.
Now go and have a lovely week. And try not to commit any of the above booze crimes you silly rascals.