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Archive for the category “My Life”

Bits N’ Bobs – First Week On The Mainland

Manhattan

Manhattan

Just a casual party on a roof looking over Manhattan...

Just a casual roof party looking over Manhattan…

NY by night :)

NY by night 🙂

Chillin

Chillin

Oh HEY there Empire State Building :p

Oh HEY there Empire State Building :p

IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME

IT’S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME

Walmart. The only place you can buy lollies, deodorant, lawn mowers and rifles at.

Walmart. The only place you can buy lollies, deodorant, lawn mowers and rifles.

Waffle fries with melton cheese and bacon on top. One of the best and worst things you'll ever ingest.

Waffle fries with melted cheese and bacon on top. One of the best and worst things you could ever ingest.

$5 of berries. I <3 NY

$5 of berries. I ❤ NY

Now DATS a slice of pizza!

Now DATS a slice of pizza!

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Hawaii Photo Gallery – Ultimate Holiday Destination

The first beach I set my eyes on in Hawaii...#nuffsaid

The first beach I set my eyes on in Hawaii…#nuffsaid

Aloha!

Aloha!

Turtle Bay Resort Sarah Marshall Style :)

Turtle Bay Resort Sarah Marshall Style 🙂

Turtle Bay Resort2

Turtle Bay Pool AKA Children’s Secret Toilet

Token 'Knees In Beach Backdrop' Pic

Token ‘knees in beach backdrop’ pic

Hawaii North Shore

A truly hideous view :p

"I can't go to Taco Bell, I'm on an all carb diet. God Karen you're so stupid!"

“I can’t go to Taco Bell, I’m on an all carb diet. God Karen you’re so stupid!”

Apparently Dolphins & Seals dive through... not really but how cool would that be!

Apparently Dolphins & Seals dive through this… not really but how cool would that be!

Amazing - Lush green mountain meets crystal clear water.

Amazing – Lush green mountain meets crystal clear water.

Edward – My new friend

"I know ever'thing there is to know about the shrimpin' business."

“I know ever’thing there is to know about the shrimpin’ business.”

Movie Makin' Ranch

Movie Makin’ Ranch

The Hunger Games, Jurassic Park, Mighty Joe Young, LOST, Hawaii 5.0, 50 First Dates, Pearl Harbour, You Me & Dupree, Godzilla ...

The Hunger Games, Jurassic Park, Mighty Joe Young, LOST, Hawaii 5.0, 50 First Dates, Pearl Harbour, You Me & Dupree, Godzilla …

Hawaii Volcano

No words to describe this beauty!

Now I got time fo dis!

Now I got time fo dis!

hawaii water

Long & languid summer days spent snorkeling with sea turtles or floating around the ocean on a blow up lilo.

Hanauma Bay - Snorkeling in a Volcano

Hanauma Bay – Snorkeling in a Volcano

2nd Hunger Games was filmed here - it's THAT good!

2nd Hunger Games was filmed here – it’s THAT good!

The locals spend their weekend cliff diving as you do.

Cliff Diving

Hawaii Lake

Just your average Hawaiian Lake

The rain was welcome after a hike up a volcano in 40 degree heat.

The rain was welcome after a hike up a volcano in 40 degree heat.

hawaii lookout

Bubba Islands

blue ocean

Oh Hawaii – Why you gotta be so pretty! Me not wanna leave!

Bernard the blowhole

Bernard the blowhole

Dat view...

Dat view…

I <3 Hawaii

I ❤ Hawaii

Kualoa Ranch

Kualoa Ranch

Balmy evenings watching the delicious sunsets before sleeping to the backdrop of the swell of the ocean :)

Balmy evenings watching the delicious sunsets before sleeping to the backdrop of the swell of the ocean 🙂

Pickles & Poached Eggs

Good Friday + My Mum = Crazy

Happy Easter!
Warmest Regards,
Dinkypie

It’s only recently that I’ve fully become to appreciate the extent of my Mothers inherent craziness. This has come to light as I discuss old family Easter traditions with friends and colleagues.

Good Friday – The day that for religious people, symbolises the death of Jesus and for non-religious people, symbolises a damn fine time.

Growing up, Good Friday symbolised a day where strict food guidelines (enforced by my nutcase of a mother) were adhered to by my sibling and I, unless we wanted to deal with the wrath that was our mothers screeching as she bellowed that we were getting NO easter eggs. She would then hide the ones already purchased before consuming them after we had all gone to bed I’m guessing.

So the strict food guidelines ruled that we were to eat NOTHING but fish and (wait for it) Hot Cross Buns.

Seriously.

No veggies. No fruit. No nothing. Except fish and buns.

Wow.

So I write this while shovelling down leftover noodles and smugly think of my father currently consuming yet another bloody hot cross bun for the fifth time today, as they really aren’t that filling and who really wants to eat fish for breakfast (or at all in my opinion).

Does your family have any weird traditions?

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The Day I Was Whacked In The Face By A Dildo

LOL at the guy behind me. Nice fringe my friend...

Sydneysiders aren’t exactly shy when it comes to sex. In fact I write this while listening to my neighbours participate in what can only be described as extreme S&M, ahh the delight of close-proximity apartment blocks.

That said, there is still a rather oppressing air of disapproval when it comes to an openness in regards to sex, one that came to light this summer as my girlfriends and I realised there was a 20-metre wide birth around our towels at Bondi Beach as people desperately tried to avoid listening in on our ‘bald vs. bush’ discussion. FYI bald totally won. Sex shops in Sydney are still these mortifying places to be caught at down seedy side alleys unless you’re 18 and checking yourself into The Cross for the first time. Most girls I know buy their ‘secret women’s business’ from discreet online stores, much to the annoyance of many of them when, on arrival of expected package, their rabbit has ears big enough to bite. And men? Well let’s just say that I am sure that they all have bookmarked pornhub.com with a pile of special socks and happy tissues in …

Click here to keep reading.

 

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A Social Media Stuff-Up

Although this story or ‘kelly-ism’ is super SUPER embarrassing, I feel like I should share it, if only to provide you with a giggle for the day.

So a few months ago, my friend encouraged me to download ‘Instagram’ so I could get sweet looking pics like hers. What she failed to mention, (or what I was to stupid to realise) was that it was a social networking app. Not a ‘cool editing app’. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I did indeed fail to realise that people could follow you and view your pics.

Which brings me to the problem. My erm ‘pics’ were in effect, porn. You see I’d begun to take naked pics of myself before ‘instagraming the shit out of them’, in the totally vain persuit that I could one day reflect on said pics with a smug ‘awwww yeah’ attitude.

So there I was, editing compromising pics of myself for WEEKS, before I was fiddling around with the app figuring out the functions, when I came across my ‘followers’.

Yes, indeed I did have several males enjoying my ‘updates’ thoroughly.

Idiot girl.

Lesson learnt my friends, lesson learnt.

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An Ode To A Hangover

I was pottering around this morning, thinking about hangovers (as you do at 9am as you sit in your undies on the balcony, magnifying mirror in tow, desperately seeking stray facial hairs with tweezers), when I had one of my many (stop laughing) lightbulb moments.

You know, when you realise something and your eyes get all owlish and you desperately look around in search of someone ANYONE really that will find your discovery as cool as you do.

So I was reflecting on each time I had been hungover this year to the point where I wouldn’t mind actually meeting Ivan Milat in the mere hope that he would put me out of my misery, when I realised  that I HAD DONE SOMETHING I REGRET THE NIGHT BEFORE!!!!

Seriously, there have been some nights that I’ve drunk in excess the amount that a humpback whale could consume, yet after only dancing and laughing all night, I’ve woken up with a slightly throbbing head and a strange urge to shovel anything and everything grease ridden down my trap.

Whereas mornings after I’ve consumed the same if not less, but participated in activities I erm wouldn’t do when not inebriated (*cough balcony boobies anyone?), I wake up with such a stonking hangover I vow yet again that ‘I am NEVER drinking again’. This promise to myself only ever seems to last until some cheeky rascal proffers a fruity cup of bliss under my nose and I once again lose all resolve.

Then one drink turns into seven and everything is just so lovely and happy and fun that another seven seems to be the right choice. So another seven are poured on down my greedy gullet and hey presto I’m funnier than Russel Peters as I shuffle to Party Rock with oven mitts on my feet and perform my very own rendition to Bohemian rap singer Rhapsody.

So forth come another seven vodka, lime and sodas (actually at this point I’m probably quite partial to the trusty old ‘wetttt pushhhasssss’ aka wet pussy shots), and then one of two things will happen…

Scenario 1: I will tell many more equally funny jokes. Fend of a few eligible but totally clueless bachelors after I’ve had a few bevs bought for me and had a bit of a shimmy. Bipt bopt a touch more with some of my betches. Before stumbling off home and lying awake giggling to the all hours as myself and someone else uncover the complexities of the male brain or simply frape a fellow friend who has in all silliness left her phone un-attended. Tsk, when will they learn.

Exhibit A

Scenario 2: I perform levels of public rage, violence or inappropriate levels of nudity for no particular reason. Wince as I open my eyes and remember in the morning. AND/OR  I will tell someone that actually yes INDEED their boyfriend is a massive douche. Awkward…… (Obviously these are just tame examples – I wouldn’t actually tell you all what I am ashamed of now would I ! Hehe 🙂 But you get the gist. )

 

With scenario one I usually wake up and giggle with the girls as we regale tales from the night before over greasy serves 0f chips and gravy and ginormous fat frozen cokes (seeeallll anyone?). Scenario two can sometimes turn into a 2 day hangover where I simply sit and rock like a walrus with my ass high in the air, as it’s the only position I can sit in without feeling like I’m about to regurgitate the small lake of alcohol still churning around in my gut.

 

SEE!! I told you!! Hangovers occur when you do something stupid and regret it the next day!

 

Agree?? Disagree??

 

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I Like My Money Right Where I Can See It – Hanging In My Closet

Most people enjoy the end/start of a financial year. Its’ that time to get organised and of course, hopefully have a tidy amount of fresh pocket money deposited neatly into your bank account.

Not me. I HATE tax man time. He is a cheeky bugger intent on making gals like me feel bad about themselves.

In the past financial year I have worked for 6 companies (one of them being my own) and I already feel like sinking my sorry self into some quicksand after receiving just ONE group certificate.

The problem lies with ‘me no likey’ seeing how much money I haven’t saved.

It was just 2 nights ago when Dad No. 2 Jarrod was looming above me like Mr. Fun Police demanding to know why I didn’t have enough money to pay a fine. (I did BTW I just needed to winge about the fact that I couldn’t spend the money on clothes and alcohol this weekend.) 😦

He then went on to ask quite forcefully how an (apparently) intelligent 23 (I’m 22 you dick!) year old can have no money or assets to her name, and still no direction in her life.

Ouch.

Way to make a girl feel fab huh.

I admit that in the past my budgeting skills aren’t exactly something to be proud of. AND I make it worse by winging a lot.

But still. Dadddddddddd why are you being so mean!

Case In Point: Two weeks ago my pest of a little sister proclaimed that ‘this time next week she was going to be in Paris’ *cue the annoying little sis impersonation voice we ALL do.

I glared at her. Stomped my feet and FML’ed for a while before she rightly pointed out that about 20 trips to Europe are sitting in my closet.

Oh.

Whoops.

Riggghhhtttt. *Dr Evil voice.

Guess I should work on that.

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♥ A Kelly Lee News Update ♥

Listening…

Hate the movie it was made for but love LOve LOVE this score!

Reading…

‘The Untold Story’ on the disappearance of Madeleine McCann. I don’t know if you remember this story but I am just ever so slightly obsessed with true crime stories, so this book is a massive treat for my crime hungry brain.

Breakfast At Tiffany’s novella. An ah-maz-ing coffee table book ALL about one of my all-time fave films. It even has the sheet music for theme song ‘Moon River’ inside, something I am intent on learning the next time I find myself perched in front of a piano.

Watching…

Hangover 2 – Love & Other Drugs (AGAIN) – Oh and this surprisingly good film with Russel Crowe in it ‘The Last 3 Days’ REALLY suspenseful 🙂

Ahhh If Only Mr. Love & Other Drugs wasn't such a shortie 😦

Wearing… 

A ‘gold’ cuff the size of my head. And someone just asked me if it was real. No joke.

On my head I have been smearing this magical balm by Benefit ‘The POREfessional’ – It literally dissipates pores completely. And pore-less = flaw-less really. Can be used under OR over makeup. RRP $53. Available at Myer.

Buying…

Baby presents 🙂 One of my besties just had a baby boy. BLESS.

Too Cute ♥


Wanting… A trip to Bali. I want to sit in a tree and eat melon.

Groan.


Eating… 

Good nosh.

Loving… 

Sperms from my balllssshh

Planning… 

My life. Sigh *Emotion grumpy face.

Writing… 

This.

Inspired by… 

No one 😦 Suggestions?

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Kelly Lee McCarren: NEW Published Articles

Some of you may visit my blog for my incessant rambling. However I am guessing that the only people that do are my cat and my Mum. Actually even my Mum doesn’t read them very often so just my cat then.
Nevertheless, most of my dear readers are actually looking for quality content. That as of late is as apparent as specks of cellulite on a certain Ms Kerr’s backside.
This is partly because I have been so busy writing for RESCU.com.au,which is a super fun and fabulous online magazine. (For those of you who live under a digitally sparse rock.) SO if you didn’t keep up with my video interviews/blogs during RAFW, then you must pay a visit to RESCU TV.

Or just catch up on my work by having a read….

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