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Archive for the tag “Get A Perfect Bikini Body”

The Seven Stages Of A Gym Membership

Some annoyingly self-virtuous women in the world actually enjoy eating things like natto, goji berries or dirty old kale. They also take pleasure in 6am morning wake-up calls involving horrible things like burpies and endless sprint sessions. These women also generally bang on about meditation, positive affirmations and the power of positive thinking. They are all extremely ‘Zen’ and have figures TO DIE FOR that around bikini season the rest of us mere mortals (who enjoy sleep-ins, fried food and copious amounts of alcohol) look at for inspiration. For 7 months a year we simply look at these figures with a slight air of annoyance but for the other 5 we suddenly realise !FU*K!, our pale and slightly wobbling bods are going to be NEXT to these freaks of nature goddesses in a matter of weeks! Right, time to join a gym as the old one was cancelled due to having better things to do…  like oh say enjoying Gossip Girl repeats while simultaneously shovelling Doritos down our gobs.

And so begins (yet again) The Seven Stages Of A Gym Membership that we repeat time and time again…

Stage One: Obesity

That moment after a holiday, x-mas or even just as you shed your winter layers, when you finally notice the excess of dimples splashed across your backside and the ‘cute’ roll of flab over your waistband your mum lovingly prodded at. Then you can’t stop noticing, ‘holy shit my cute summery jumpsuit once so loose and ‘boho’ is now stretched across my width like a circus tent.’ The legs so sneakily encased in black and VERY flattering stockings all winter are suddenly looking more plump than pin-tastic. 😦 Cue an onslaught of immense grumpiness as we glare sullenly at the freshly baked chocolate cake perched cheerily on the kitchen counter, warm wafts of heaven breezing up our hungry nostrils.

Stage Two: ACTION

Butt is about to get whipped into shape. Gym memberships are signed and a brand spanking new pair of Asics and Lorna Jane workout wear is purchased because OF COURSE one needs new threads to look the part and motivate them to actually use these incredibly overpriced items. (The threads more so than the shoes, shoes are one thing you should NEVER scrimp out on. Trust me, your feet will thank me later.)

Stage Three: The Honeymoon Phase

This stage is exactly as it sounds. Think about it like a new relationship when everything is new and liberating and fun. You want to spend as much time as possible with your new lover (AKA the gym) and food struggles to make a starring role in your day-to-day life unless it’s green and filled with all types of yucky goodness. You’re so committed that not only are you visiting the gym most afternoons after work, but you’re even getting up earlier to walk to work AND you’re doing a Saturday morning PUMP class! Who wudda thought!

Stage Four: Second Thoughts

This is like after the honeymoon stage in a relationship. Basically food and TV appeal more than certain types of physical activities. Nuff said.

Stage Five: Procrastination

This is the stage where we secretly wish we would sprain our ankle (even going so far as to wear ill-fitting shoes on the treadmill…  or is that just me?) JUST so we have an excuse to sit at home and not attend the gym and ‘comfort’ oneself with pies, peas, mash and gravy. *Watering mouth.

When this stage hits we are suddenly much more interested in things once ignored like cleaning the loo, or catching up with that super annoying girlfriend who uses the term ‘like’ more than she deems it necessary to take a bloody breath.

Stage Six: The Slow-Down

This stage is where our gym visits putter down to once, max twice, a week and we spend the session reading a magazine while peddling uselessly on the old persons bike (you know, the reclining one). OR you flap around in the pool like a retired seal only to be shouted at by a Speedo-clad Fabio furiously free-styling down the pool to ‘get into a slower lane’. Jerk. This stage is generally just a meagre excuse for exercise and really just a cute nod towards the $20+ being deposited into the gyms cheeky little bank balance weekly before you race on home to compete in FIFA with accompanying cheesy garlic bread and jelly shots. (Now if only we applied the same enthusiasm to a year-long exercise routine eh?!)

Stage Seven: I Give Up

#authorsselfportrait

This is the moment when we realise we haven’t visited the gym since the last season of the Kardashians aired… Yet the bastards still insolently sneak our hard earned $$ (well…$$ anyway) month after month as we continue to sit on our ass.  So we dutifully make our way to the gym (head hanging with shame) and once the reason for our visit is explained to the chirpy 17yo receptionist, her expression changes and you are taken to ‘the room’. It is here that an immensely fit and gorgeous male/female (depending on your guessed sexual preference) will sit you down while giving you a slightly condescending ‘concerned’ interrogation. ‘Why would you choose NOT to live a healthy lifestyle and continue working towards a healthier you with us’? ‘I don’t know White Goodman, is it true that steroids shrink your dick?’ And so as we meekly schlep out of the gym for the last time the horrible obesity pattern sets in again and soon enough the whole bloody process will be set in motion yet again. So long ‘quest for an ass smaller than Miranda Kerrs’, you have been overshadowed by yet another round of Oreo eating and general lack of interest in looking in the mirror too closely.

Do you fall into this pattern also? 

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I would like to note that this article was written ‘tongue-in-cheek’ and I have the utmost of respect for women living the lifestyle I have poked fun at.  

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Get Fit & Fab This Spring

For many of us, Spring brings around a joyous essence of happiness at the impending weekends spent pool/beach side cocktail in tow; whilst also bringing an undertow of dread as we realise we cannot hide underneath our layers anymore.

Now for those of you with a few measly bottom dimples and an extra inch of fat around your middle, never fear as you can rid this in a week or so. Simply cut back on stodgy winter food, up the ante on the exercise AKA do some, and get a fake tan STAT! You will look and feel a bigillion times better when your pale dale pins are all gisele glowing and gorgeous.

But for those who have put on a good podgy 5 kilos, get a trainer. They work miracles because they make you work. I don’t care how much self-discipline you THINK you have, you would never make yourself do the sort of messed-up crazy hard shit trainers force us to do. (But it is AWESOME because it WORKS!) Think running with a person dead-weighted to a rope behind you, or working so hard you think your going to pass out then doing ANOTHER set of 50 walking lunges carrying a 15 kilo medicine ball in front of you. Its tough, but pushing your body and feeling the strength you didn’t know is possible is amazing. Not to mention the results.

It’s exactly what I did last spring and not only did my trainer change my body in that point of time, she changed my perception of myself, what I was capable of and what I need to be doing/eating for my body.

This is me on holidays last September – don’t mind the goofy head/pose just check out my toned arms!

And this is a full body shot (I couldn’t find the soft copy sorry) – You can’t really see but you can sorta tell that I was pretty toned and I was SUPER fit!

But enough about me and my experiences, lets look to the expert and the woman herself who transformed me, Nat Carter…

1. What is your no.1 piece of advice for people who want to get into shape for summer?

Just do it, start immediately. Stop waiting around for Monday. The sooner you get cracking the quicker you’ll see results. Be committed to change and be persistent also.

2. What is the biggest mistake you see being made by people exercising?

Just sticking to one type of exercise. A LOT of girls want hot bikini bodies and just focus on cardio. Cardio will NOT change the shape of your body, it’ll definitely make you fitter but you’ll need to pick up some weights and start using them.

3. What is the biggest mistake people make with their food choices?

Choosing low-fat products over full fat, eating too many grains and processed foods (e.g packaged cereals, diet soft drinks, low cal desserts etc). Eat clean, lean and green.

4. How can a personal trainer help you with this? What are the biggest benefits to having a personal trainer?

A  Good PT will be able to assess you, guide you into the right exercises and motivate and encourage you along the way. Your PT should offer the support and guidance you need to succeed on your weight-loss journey

5. How much exercise does a person need to do per week to change their body/start seeing results?

If you start with 3 sessions of weights and HIIT cardio (high intensity interval training) you will see a big difference if you aren’t exercising. If you already are you may need to bump that up to 4 or 5 days. The key is overload. If your workouts get too easy you need to change it up and increase the intensity

6. What are your top 5 favourite exercises?

Deadlifts, overhead squats, planks, swissball prone rollouts, and lunges.

7. Why do you think some people struggle to lose weight and tone up?

Because most people are lazy and don’t push themselves hard enough. Also they don’t listen to fitness experts advice, they choose to believe what they read in glossy mags (celebrities/models etc). Weight loss is not easy but you need to stay committed over a length of time. So many of us are conditioned to believe that weight loss happens quickly, you can’t just take a magic pill.

8. Tell us a bit about one of your most successful clients and how you have helped her transform her body and her relationship with her body?

Amanda was stuck in a body she hated. My goal was to bring her out from her rut, make her feel amazing and change the way she moved, ate and felt about life. She was so successful because she listened to everything I said, and she was committed to the cause. Yes it cost her money and time but now she’s a completely different person.She loves her new body. Like Amanda, you need to leave your old, destructive ways behind and realise health is such an important way of life. She continues to inspire people with her blog.

9. Top tip to get the perfect bikini bod?

Lift weights, perform HIIT cardio, be persistent, and eat clean. (Treat yourself once per week with one cheat meal.) 🙂

10. What is one food item or beverage you think everyone should avoid?

Any food with artificial sweetener in it. It reeks havoc with your body, some studies have correlated many disorders, IBS, even some cancers (read my thoughts here).

WIN a program, designed by Natalie Carter, Personal Trainer & Transformation Coach. Simply like her page, post on her wall “Love That Red sent me” and you will go into the draw to win one of her successful, Full Body Programs. Ends October 15th 2011.

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