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The Seven Stages Of A Gym Membership

Some annoyingly self-virtuous women in the world actually enjoy eating things like natto, goji berries or dirty old kale. They also take pleasure in 6am morning wake-up calls involving horrible things like burpies and endless sprint sessions. These women also generally bang on about meditation, positive affirmations and the power of positive thinking. They are all extremely ‘Zen’ and have figures TO DIE FOR that around bikini season the rest of us mere mortals (who enjoy sleep-ins, fried food and copious amounts of alcohol) look at for inspiration. For 7 months a year we simply look at these figures with a slight air of annoyance but for the other 5 we suddenly realise !FU*K!, our pale and slightly wobbling bods are going to be NEXT to these freaks of nature goddesses in a matter of weeks! Right, time to join a gym as the old one was cancelled due to having better things to do…  like oh say enjoying Gossip Girl repeats while simultaneously shovelling Doritos down our gobs.

And so begins (yet again) The Seven Stages Of A Gym Membership that we repeat time and time again…

Stage One: Obesity

That moment after a holiday, x-mas or even just as you shed your winter layers, when you finally notice the excess of dimples splashed across your backside and the ‘cute’ roll of flab over your waistband your mum lovingly prodded at. Then you can’t stop noticing, ‘holy shit my cute summery jumpsuit once so loose and ‘boho’ is now stretched across my width like a circus tent.’ The legs so sneakily encased in black and VERY flattering stockings all winter are suddenly looking more plump than pin-tastic. 😦 Cue an onslaught of immense grumpiness as we glare sullenly at the freshly baked chocolate cake perched cheerily on the kitchen counter, warm wafts of heaven breezing up our hungry nostrils.

Stage Two: ACTION

Butt is about to get whipped into shape. Gym memberships are signed and a brand spanking new pair of Asics and Lorna Jane workout wear is purchased because OF COURSE one needs new threads to look the part and motivate them to actually use these incredibly overpriced items. (The threads more so than the shoes, shoes are one thing you should NEVER scrimp out on. Trust me, your feet will thank me later.)

Stage Three: The Honeymoon Phase

This stage is exactly as it sounds. Think about it like a new relationship when everything is new and liberating and fun. You want to spend as much time as possible with your new lover (AKA the gym) and food struggles to make a starring role in your day-to-day life unless it’s green and filled with all types of yucky goodness. You’re so committed that not only are you visiting the gym most afternoons after work, but you’re even getting up earlier to walk to work AND you’re doing a Saturday morning PUMP class! Who wudda thought!

Stage Four: Second Thoughts

This is like after the honeymoon stage in a relationship. Basically food and TV appeal more than certain types of physical activities. Nuff said.

Stage Five: Procrastination

This is the stage where we secretly wish we would sprain our ankle (even going so far as to wear ill-fitting shoes on the treadmill…  or is that just me?) JUST so we have an excuse to sit at home and not attend the gym and ‘comfort’ oneself with pies, peas, mash and gravy. *Watering mouth.

When this stage hits we are suddenly much more interested in things once ignored like cleaning the loo, or catching up with that super annoying girlfriend who uses the term ‘like’ more than she deems it necessary to take a bloody breath.

Stage Six: The Slow-Down

This stage is where our gym visits putter down to once, max twice, a week and we spend the session reading a magazine while peddling uselessly on the old persons bike (you know, the reclining one). OR you flap around in the pool like a retired seal only to be shouted at by a Speedo-clad Fabio furiously free-styling down the pool to ‘get into a slower lane’. Jerk. This stage is generally just a meagre excuse for exercise and really just a cute nod towards the $20+ being deposited into the gyms cheeky little bank balance weekly before you race on home to compete in FIFA with accompanying cheesy garlic bread and jelly shots. (Now if only we applied the same enthusiasm to a year-long exercise routine eh?!)

Stage Seven: I Give Up


This is the moment when we realise we haven’t visited the gym since the last season of the Kardashians aired… Yet the bastards still insolently sneak our hard earned $$ (well…$$ anyway) month after month as we continue to sit on our ass.  So we dutifully make our way to the gym (head hanging with shame) and once the reason for our visit is explained to the chirpy 17yo receptionist, her expression changes and you are taken to ‘the room’. It is here that an immensely fit and gorgeous male/female (depending on your guessed sexual preference) will sit you down while giving you a slightly condescending ‘concerned’ interrogation. ‘Why would you choose NOT to live a healthy lifestyle and continue working towards a healthier you with us’? ‘I don’t know White Goodman, is it true that steroids shrink your dick?’ And so as we meekly schlep out of the gym for the last time the horrible obesity pattern sets in again and soon enough the whole bloody process will be set in motion yet again. So long ‘quest for an ass smaller than Miranda Kerrs’, you have been overshadowed by yet another round of Oreo eating and general lack of interest in looking in the mirror too closely.

Do you fall into this pattern also? 


I would like to note that this article was written ‘tongue-in-cheek’ and I have the utmost of respect for women living the lifestyle I have poked fun at.  

Savoury Spring Salad

I highly advise you all cook/prepare this dish for din din tonight…

I call it the ‘Amaze-Balls Salad’. Because it is.


  • Small pumpkin
  • Feta cheese
  • Semi sun-dried tomatoes
  • Baby spinach leaves
  • Rocket leaves
  • Cashews
  • Barbecued chicken breast


  • Chop the cheeky pumpkin into little bite-sized morsels before cooking in microwave for 5mins on high. Place on oven tray, sprinkle a touch of sea salt and drizzle some extra virgin olive oil over them. Leave for 30mins.
  • Wash and toss salad leaves.
  • Chop feta and sun-dried tomatoes (the naughty little minx’s) and mix in with leaves.
  • Pull chicken breast into small slivers and toss into the salad mix.
  • Let the flavours mix and sit.
  • Crush cashews into a sprinkable mix (I suggest a mallet).
  • Stir in now slightly crunchy pumpkin pieces before lightly drizzling olive oil over the whole salad.
  • Divide into bowls and garnish with desired amount of cashew nuts.

Oh and I’ll post about my trip later in the week. Don’t you worry your pretty little fluffy heads, It’s coming! 🙂



Healthy Vegetarian Recipes EVERYONE Will Love

I get asked a lot ‘what do I actually eat’. You see people hear and see my strangeness and fussiness when it comes to food and wonder exactly what I eat that keeps me from being hooked up to an IV. The truth is, I do eat a lot a bad stuff, I love savoury food (hello grain waves) and I have a penchant for energy drinks. BUT I also love veggies and what a lot of people fail to realise is that bar ordering in most of the time (which is what I do seem to do), there is HEAPS of deliciously mouth watering meals that I prepare that give me everything I need PLUS taste amaze-balls.

So here are 2 meal examples for vegetarians who make the term ‘fussy’ the understatement of the year…


I love love LOVE this! It’s so yummy and it’s something that I actually look forward to when I wake up in the morning. (Usually the idea of breakfast makes me want to vom.)

I mix a few dollops of my fave natural gourmet yogurt with muesli, which I make with oats, quinoa, barley, sunflower seeds, pepitas, linseeds and buckwheat. YUM. I then add in berries and passionfruit. Carbs, protein and anti-oxidants. Best. Breakfast. Ever.


This sounds a touch dull but it isn’t I swear. I mix cooked brown rice with half cooked veggies (completely cooking veggies kills heaps of the nutrients). For flavour and protein I add a dollop of cottage cheese and a spoonful of crushed cashews and pumpkin. Add a touch of chilli flakes and pepper and delish!

OOOO! And for my healthy dinner option check out my must-try homemade pizzas. 🙂


Asian Cooking: Dinner for $15?

Last night I cooked dinner for my boyfriend and I – Asian food was on the menu. Without realising it I cooked enough for dinner AND lunch today for less than $15. Seriously.



  • 1/2 Kilo of frozen veggies
  • 1/2 celery stalks
  • 1 onion
  • Handful of mushrooms
  • Tin of bean mix
  • Hokien noodles
  • Garlic
  • Soy sauce
  • Chillies
  • 1/2 lemon
  • Pack of frozen spring rolls
  • Sweet chilli sauce


  1. Place spring rolls in the oven and cook frozen veggies in microwave for 10 mins
  2. In a wok, stir-fry vegetable oil, onion, garlic, chopped celery and your desired amount of chilli (I used 2 which made it quite hot)
  3. Toss in the cooked veggies and the packet of noodles
  4. Sprinkle some soy-sauce and chopped up lemon pieces through into the mix
  5. Serve with spring rolls and sweet chilli sauce



Food and Your Body: 10 Challenges Women Face


Can I just start this post by saying that I always thought I was a boy when it came to food. I don’t think that ‘chocolate makes everything better’, I don’t diet or restrict carb’s and I certainly do not eat portioned controlled meals every few hours. But then this afternoon something really crappy happened which made me do something that shocked me once I’d realised what I’d done.

I went to the shops and treated myself with a new box set and a bag of grain waves…(family size) all in the vain hope to ‘make myself feel better’….

WTF!!!! Am I turning into a woman? Is that emotional eating! Ahhhhhhh better start taking my own advice then… 😦

The 10 Challenges WE Women Face with Food and our Bodies

1. Emotional Eating – The practice of consuming large quantities of food (usually ‘comfort’ or junk foods) in response to how we feel instead of hunger. Experts estimate that 75% of overeating is caused by emotions and we are ALL culprits; we have a bad day and comfort ourselves with a tub of fried chicken for dinner.

Combat This! Learn what your emotional eating ‘triggers’ are and develop alternatives to eating. Stressed out? Have a professional massage or go for a jog. Depressed? Try playing with your pet or see a film with your best friend. Whatever you enjoy, try to replace binging with these activities, as by doing this you will end up as a much happier and healthier version of yourself.

2. ‘I Want to Look Like Her’ – We have all been there; desperately idolising a famous person or model in a campaign, winging that we don’t have cellulite free child-like thighs.  The media has warped public’s perceptions on what’s ‘normal’, ‘healthy’ and ‘fat’. A size 6, 23-year-old girl with a height of well over 6ft is not normal, there is no such thing. She is no more ‘normal’ than the size 12 girl up the road whose curves are on par with the Kardashians.

Combat This! Accept yourself. It’s hard but if you can achieve this, you will live a much happier life. Look in the mirror and concentrate on your good points whether it is your eyes, toned arms or amazing new haircut. And always ALWAYS keep things in perspective and realise that a pimple or few extra kilos are nothing in the scheme of life. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

3. That Time of the Month – Every woman knows that at different points during their monthly cycles they are more susceptible to cravings whether it be in the form of chocolate, lollies, alcohol or more savoury snacks.

Combat this! Leave healthier options around the house/office/car. If you crave savoury snacks try mixing nuts, soy crisps and rice crackers together with paprika, chilli and garlic flakes. Yum!

4. Eating is Social – When girls get together they eat. And drink. Its just common knowledge – that’s what we do. We make fondue, order endless cocktails and ‘share’ a large side serve of fries. Not good for our waistlines.

Combat This! Invite the girls over to your place. Make a healthy meal for them and preserve your diet whilst simultaneously showing off your amazing culinary skills. Make a pitcher of a healthier cocktail mix predominantly made up of white spirits, soda water, and cut up fruits. Prepare a huge, delicious salad STUFFED with goodness and team it with seasoned fish or chicken.

5. We View Food as Treats – At the end of a long day, we sit down and enjoy a glass of white before dinner; after we’ve eaten and walked the dog we then think we will treat ourselves with a magnum. It continues. We are inclined to do this after getting ‘treated’ as children with lollies, chip bags and birthday cakes. Its practically part of our genetic makeup!

Combat This! Treat yourself with other things. Try a bubble bath, a new glossy magazine or a pedicure.

6. Snacking and Boredom – We all are culprits in doing this. Sitting at our desk mindlessly munching until we realise we’ve munched our way through an entire box of cheesy rice crackers. Not good. And no matter what you say it is because you are slightly bored. Think about when you have a deadline…. let me guess you forget to eat at meal times let alone snacking for no reason!

Combat This! Create small projects to always keep yourself busy and eat healthier snacks. Try nuts, grapes, berries, seeds, and air-popped popcorn.

7. We Binge – We all know the drill. “Oh ill just have a few pieces of that Cadbury Coconut Rough block sitting in the fridge starting at me….” Half an hour later we’re lying on the floor with nothing but a bit of cardboard and foil lying in disarray around our bloated body.

Combat This! Generally binging occurs if we have been depriving ourselves of what we are craving. Say you start Atkins on a Monday and spend the week suffering headaches and constipation from a lack of carbohydrates… come Friday night you’ll be ordering triple serves of gnocchi quicker than you can say gnocchi. Cutting anything out of your diet is extreme and it will always result in an overconsumption of that particular food/food group. EVERYTHING IN MODERATION.

8. Diets – They don’t work. Any initial weight you lose is put straight back on when you stop dieting. Also many diets make you grumpy and tired, and can give you flatulence and bad skin.

Combat This! Instead of following a strict diet, make healthier lifestyle choices and tweak things here and there. Do you drink most nights? Try to cut it back to a few cheeky glasses on the weekend and aim for red wine or white spirits with low-cal mixers.

9. Focusing on the Negative – As women we are predisposed to focus on our negative points whether it be cellulite, a chubby tummy or ‘tuck-shop-lady’ arms.

Combat This! Focus on the cause and solution rather than the effect. Constantly focusing on the negative symptoms of the problems won’t help you solve them. Focus on what you’re going to do about your current circumstances rather than the circumstances themselves. Also try focusing on the things that matter. Like taking care of yourself, improving your emotional well-being, eating well and exercising.

10. Women: The Queens of Over-Analysing? Yes. We are indeed. And it carries over to our food, our food choices and how often we think about food. Which is generally a lot. By over-analysing everything in terms of food and our bodies we are putting stress on our bodies making ourselves more resilient to weight change.

Combat This! Take responsibility for your life, stop thinking about food so much and LIVE!


Whats your biggest food/body challenge?




P.S Clearly I wrote this last week when I was a smug ‘boy eater’

Healthy Recipes: I make the Best Pizzas EVER

People request 1 of 2 things when they visit my humble abode; my Crunchy Asian Salad OR my delectable Home-Made Pizzas.

Which are in my (and the general publics) opinion way better than anything store bought and quite possibly even better than those made by the trusty Italians. 🙂

Made By Yours Truly

My 2 FAVOURITE pizzas as made by me are as follows;


  • Place a piece of Leb bread (preferably wholemeal for a healthier option) under the grill to crisp
  • Use a spatula to spread tomato paste over the surface
  • Add a touch of dried basil and a pinch of minced garlic for flavour – SPREAD (Otherwise you will receive a mouthful of plain garlic…not good for your taste buds OR the person waking up to you in the morning)
  • Mush the desired amount of avocado and spread evenly over the top of the sauce (personally I like 1/2 an avo but I don’t have meat)
  • Then add your toppings; diced red onion, tomatoes, capsicum, mushrooms and chunks of pineapple are generally what I put on mine but meat-lovers can add ham, salami etc
  • Sprinkle your favourite cheese on top, I use regular tasty on mine but really use anything that melts
  • Put under the grill until the cheese is melted and browned slightly




  • Crisp, spread and sprinkle as the first 3 steps above outline
  • Add oven-baked (do this earlier in the day) pumpkin, sweet-potatoe, and capsicum pieces sprinkled with a touch of sea-salt
  • Mix in some sun-dried tomatoes and grilled onion barbecue-style
  • Sprinkle a few pine nuts over the top and meat-lovers will delight in some added chunks of barbecued chicken breast
  • Finally add some squares of feta and lightly sprinkle the whole ensemble with grilling cheese
  • Grill

Double YUM!


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